TWO

I've spent a lot of time this last year thinking about the concept of partnership, namely, how and what I'm hoping mine will be.  I'm guessing I'm not alone in this-  in fact, I feel like as women we often spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about relationships.  I don't find it particularly bad or good, but I'm definitely fascinated as to why.  After thinking a lot about how to build a happy partnership, I've realized so often it comes down to finding and committing to my own happiness regardless of my partnership, so that if I can access that happiness, I can use it to shine light and love to all the people closest to me.  Husband included!  A commitment to my own happiness doesn't quite simplify everything, but I've realized it's a good place to start.  At least it's the part of my marriage that I have some control over, and that is a relief to remember when lines get blurred after years together with lots of highs and lows.

It's been almost ten years exactly since I laid eyes on my husband, and my what a ride it has been.  Together we've weathered incarceration, deportation, exile, cancer, the birth of two children, one with special needs, and perhaps most importantly, the cost of child care in America.  Seriously!  That sh** is so stressful right now.  Like Obama-mentioned-it-in-the-State-of-the-
Union sort of stressful.  Anyway, a digression, but one I like to name just to keep it in the public dialogue (public meaning me and my friends who will read this). At any rate, here are a few things that are on my mind about it right now.

• The urge to remodel.  Not your house, necessarily, but your marriage.  I read this article at one point this year about the process of differentiation that couples go through as their relationship spans a longer period of time.  After reading it, I felt a real sense of context for what it can mean for a partnership to progress.  Changing how you relate to each other and your selves will obviously evolve with time, and with that, so will your relationship.  It's natural, it's okay, and honestly, it's probably pretty good!

• Building a community of love. Along the same lines, I recently read this piece which is a record of an interview between bell hooks and Thich Nhat Hanh.  In their conversation, bell hooks references a concept that Thich Nhat Hanh and Daniel Berrigan describe in a book they co-wrote called The Raft Is Not the Shore.  She infers that when working with ideas and concepts, often "the bridge of illusion must be shattered in order for a real bridge to be constructed."  This is similar to the idea of differentiation. I love in this article how they name the fact that sometimes bridges we've had or thought existed must be shattered before we can really work on building something new.  And in this article, they extend this to any community of love we desire to build or participate in or with, pushing the idea beyond intimate partnership to any circle of people with whom we hope to build healthy relationships and community.

• Celebrating what's right and identifying concerns. This book, which I swear is the only book about marriage and relationships that has, in my opinion, ever been worth a damn.  And I've read a lot of them! It's also come recommended to me from multiple professional sources that I respect, and whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed by the endless adventure that is marriage, I find myself turning back to it again and again.  The basic ideas are insightful, and it always sheds the light of clarity on things that are going well in my marriage that may not be at the forefront of my perceptions, and also the things that merit real concern. 

So if you have a two who is part of you,, or that's something you imagine in your future near or far,  I hope you'll find much peace in harmony in relationships both this year and in many years to come. 

This is actually from our wedding!  It was fun to look back and pull both of these because they are all so freaking good.  Again, never underestimate the important blessing of wonderful and talented friends.  Maybe that's my Advent theme?               Thank you Hatnim Lee!